I miss 15. I miss the anxiety of waiting outside a punk show to see my favorite band. I miss screaming lyrics until my vocal cords gave out, hands stretched toward the sky, eyes shut, bodies packed tightly side to side and front to back, all completely synchronized in their swayed movements. I miss mosh pits and bloody noses and broken bones; emotions so wound up in that moment, that hour of music that made you forget pain and sorrow ever existed. I miss that youth, that innocence. I miss that feeling of being invincible and irresponsible and infinite; feeling without the complications inherent in rational thought.

Take me back to 15. Let me live it all over again.

"We lay on our backs, looking at the ceiling and wondering what God had wrought when He made life so sad."

Last Night’s Musings

We are but particles fleeing from one moment to the next. Intertwined within the fabric of the universe we wait for destiny’s call - should we believe she exists that is - and then we run heavy, hard, fast for the reckoning that is our future.

We are the unstoppable force; tamed only by own own intentions and by the almighty God that we ground our faith in without ever truly knowing His name or his face. Maybe it’s all in our heads and our hearts, but we were never able to tell the difference very well and what does it matter, we’ve got so little time to use either these days as it is.

We are just animals; Mammals like the rest of those that we call savages with as much reckless abandonment that we can bear to suffer.

(This is an incomplete thought, but one that I am still interested in pursuing)

Wednesday

It’s that breath-of-nostalgia type morning with a side of hangover-memories-you’ll-never-forget and swag tunes bursting from the radio. That taste of fresh morning air on limited supplies of sleep. That oops-if-only-i-hadn’t-forgotten-those-keys endeavours and futuristic planning schemes. It’s troublemaking at the earliest and latest possible hours and seeing the beauty of walking backwards and taking positive steps forward all at the same time.

I’m feeling poetic.

Some Days

I am emotionally scrambled.

Some days I think the world of you. I picture us walking through daisy fields, doused in sunshine, hair slicked back, sundress on.

Some days I can’t stand the thought of you. I count you out, gut aching with disappointment, broken hearted, tear-stained face.

Some days you don’t exist. I don’t want you to because you never mattered in the first place.

Some day it won’t make a difference, will it?

Boys and Girls:

Don’t lead people on and then drop them. That’s not fair. It’s mean and nobody should do it. Ever. Respect the people around you. Respect the fact that they’re human and they have feelings too. Don’t be selfish about emotion. Think first. Be thoughtful. Be kind. If you must break a heart, do it in the most positive way possible and never leave any loose ends. Don’t leave someone in the dark. Don’t pretend.

Do it right.

Of Spring: A Letter To My Friends

Wow. This feels different. Really different. I feel good. I feel confident. I feel competent and de-stressed and motivated and invincible. I feel beautiful. In this moment, I feel the way everyone should feel. I feel happy.

Last semester was by far the worst semester of my college career. I couldn’t focus, I had no drive, I felt like I wasn’t going anywhere. I was focused on petty things and was getting frustrated easily. Long story short, I needed this winter break more than I ever thought possible. And I come to you now feeling like a different person. Hopefully my attitude has changed visibly because I was a jerk last semester and boy do I know it! I made mistakes. I made stupid decisions. But I have learned from my hardships and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that today is a new day, and so is tomorrow. I am thankful for this new year and am thankful that my friends stuck with me even though I was rotten last Fall. I love you and am forever graced and blessed to have you in my life. Seriously, you don’t know how much all of you mean to me. You are my saving grace, and I learn a lot about life, love, and all kinds of other things from you each day. Yes, I have to get sappy for a minute.

So this semester if I talk too much, get too excited, call you too often, am always smiling, am out on the weekends, am asleep by 10pm on weekdays, talk too much about Coachella, talk to much about turning 21, or any combination of the above things, know that I want you to join me here, in this place of happy and that is why I do these things. I hope that the positivity I feel right now persists and spreads and infects each and every one of you. You are gorgeous, talented people. You deserve to feel invincible. You deserve to feel the goodness of youth for as long as possible, to live and breath its scent each and every moment of each and every day. I know it’s hard. We are all extremely busy individuals and the semester will not get any easier. But seriously, take time for yourself this semester. Take time out with your friends. Put that paper off another day. And remember that you are only young once and that you only live once.

Be free.

I read this book in high school and have been a Sara Gruen fan ever since.

FYI: She wrote Water For Elephants, which is also an amazing read.

Can’t Stop

I can’t stop my heart From unnecessarily breaking, Falling to pieces Like Patsy predicted. Sinking emotions on the verge Of letting me down Slowly Like they’re used to. I get used to it.

My Soul Says

Reactionary intervention.

Sweet solitude like honey,

Dripping down the crippled streets

Of imagination,

Running amok like Sandlot children,

Feigning grace like falling stars.

Charming effervescence.

An iridescent light falls,

Slowly, spiraling downward,

Colliding with mercenaries

Of foreign lands,

Leading home the lost and famous,

Streaking naked through the night.

Falling letters.

Teardrops to a long, lost lover.

The promise of forever,

Or never…

The hope of no return.